Helga and Karma Man

Once upon a time Jeff and I were sitting in his living room. We weren't married yet, but were enjoying a nice Sunday afternoon together with his family. My journal lay strewn across my lap as I wrote about the exciting twists and turns of my young life.

Then, as if the story had somehow materialized from the combined love of our two hearts, Jeff and I created a literary masterpiece. I wrote some lines, Jeff wrote some lines, and our lines became one. Those lines eventually came to tell the story of Helga. Helga and Karma Man.

Today, because you are one of the lucky ones, you will get to read our story. You may laugh, you may cry; but you will love it.

And now, for your enjoyment:

Helga
and
Karma Man

and the sad plight of the vicious piranhas


(Jeff's lines will appear in this font, while mine will appear in this font.)

Once upon a time there was a really hairy lady. She was so hairy that every time she took her dog out, people thought "Goiter! What a trashy woman!"

Well, one day the woman--we'll call her Helga, because that is her name--got so sick and tired of the endless ridicule, that she decided to do something about her extremely abnormal appearance. So the next day, Helga went to her freezer and got out all of the frozen hamburger she could find. She left it on the counter to thaw for a little while, while she ran to the pet shop. When she came home an hour later, she had a tank FULL of piranhas. She took the thawed, bloody meat, and rubbed it all over her extremely rotund, and robust, hairy body. After she finished getting herself all meaty, she dumped the piranhas in a kiddie pool and climbed in after them. She was confused when the little fishies didn't start eating the hair off of her repulsive body. Well, Helga forgot two things... piranhas despise beef, and beef is a natural hair growth stimulant. As these two realizations dawned on her, Helga looked down to see the hair from all the nooks and crannies of her body growing at an incredible rate! The hair was growing so fast it was starting to strangle all of the fish in the kiddie pool! She clumsily jumped from the water and immediately tripped on her own hair. As she tried to get up, she couldn't, because her hair was still growing and weaving its way into the floorboards. She struggled and struggled but there was nothing she could do. She laid there helpless and silently gave in to the mangy mess overtaking her. Right when she thought there was no help left for her, she heard a "EEEAAAUUURRR" sound that seemed like it came from a mile away. Helga thought to herself, "Oh no--I am going crazy from the lack of oxygen reaching my brain due to this hair that is slowly clogging up my throat and lungs as it grows and grows." Just then, as her eyes were rolling back in her head and she was about to collapse to the floor, the door to her house flew open and who to her wondering eyes should appear but... KARMA MAN!!! He said, "Helga! I told you time and time again that if you kept complaining about your hair, it would one day come to haunt you. Well, I guess that day has come, hasn't it?" "Please help me!" Helga cried, "I'll never complain again, I promise!" So, in his mercy, Karma Man pulled out a blowtorch and started torching away all of Helga's horrible hair. Everything was going fine until the stench from all the burning and rotting hair reached the tender nostrils of Karma Man. FLOP! He went down on his side, unconscious. Luckily, as he went down, the blowtorch rolled from his hand and over to the suffering Helga. She grabbed the torch and began freeing herself of all her unruly hair. When Karma Man finally came to, he hazily blinked and saw the most amazingly beautiful woman he had ever seen in his entire life. "Wow, you are amazingly beautylicious!" Karma Man said as he picked himself up off of the ground. He rushed over to Helga and whisked her off of her dainty feet. "Why Karma Man, I never knew you were such a hopeless romantic!" Helga exclaimed. "Well, my darling, how could you be expected to notice anything with all those nappy locks growin out your body?" So Helga and Karma Man decided to get married. And all seemed well, until... the honeymoon night. Karma Man swept Helga into his arms and carried her over the threshold and into the suite. They looked at each other blissfully, and then Karma Man began to feel uneasy. "Helga...I have something I have to mention to you, and I think that I should do it now, rather than later. I, um, am scared that Karma is going to catch up with me. I love you so much now, but I must confess that I hardly paid attention to you before. Now, I also must confess that I'm not really a superhero at all. I mean, come on, I'm KARMA Man! I don't DO anything! Karma takes care of itself. All I do is stand around and look excellent in my tights and powder blue man-thong! I don't even know how the whole thing got started! I just remember that there were a lot of permanent markers and mushrooms involved. "Whhyyyyyy!!!???" cried Helga. "How could you do this to me? What exactly do you do, then?" "Well, I'm actually a vacuum salesman" replied Karma Man. "Have you ever heard of the KIRBY 5000? It's top of the line!"

"Ooh, really?" Helga exclaimed, "I have never heard of that one before. I had to do a lot of research to find out what the best vacuumed were because I needed to get a heavy duty one to clean up all of my hair from before when I was hideous. Hey you know what? With my vacuum cleaning knowledge, and your salesmanship skills, we could make a fortune!" And so the greatest partnership in vacuum cleaning was born--Karlga, or was it Herma? Oh, I don't remember--nevermind about the whole thing.

The End.

It's going to be a best seller on the NY Times list. Just you wait and see.