Rut rut rut

I feel a lot like Carol's post about being in a blog rut. I just don't know what to blog about lately. I guess there's just not much to say, and the stuff there is to say feels kind of personal and I don't know if I should blog about it--mostly because I don't think people will care.

This morning I took Jeff to the airport. Well, he drove us there while I was asleep. When it came time for him to leave and for me to drive off, I got incredibly sad. I'm normally fine when he has to leave to go somewhere, a little sad because I miss him, but fine. I actually like being by myself because there is no pressure for me to do anything or be anywhere. But this drop off was really hard, and I just don't know why. As I drove off I started crying, but then tried desperately to stop because I had to go back into work. In the end I think that just made me cry harder.

I didn't have an umbrella to give to Jeff, and the weather report says that it is supposed to be rainy the whole week he is in Philadelphia. Now, as I am sitting at work I see people coming into the office drenched from the rain outside. It makes me think of Jeff all alone in Philadelphia, getting soaked by the rain, and I now feel a hollow sadness inside of me. I know he can probably just buy an umbrella somewhere, but I just want him to be able to have everything he needs.

The rain makes me really, genuinely happy though. I don't know why it does, but it does.

Whenever I say that people always tell me that if I lived somewhere where it rained a lot that I wouldn't like it anymore. I once met a girl who was from Seattle and I asked her if she liked the rain and she said that she has loved it her whole life. So it is possible, and I think I would be just like her. Which is really beside the point, though, because if I say that I genuinely love something, why do people--even complete strangers--feel the need to try to tear me down and tell me that I don't really like it that much? What possesses people to do that?

I think it is so strange that people can think something about you, that you don't genuinely believe. You can kind of see where their comment comes from, but you just don't believe it yourself. I wonder if this happens to everyone, or if most people generally agree with the things that people say about them. For instance, some people (mostly my family so I think they are just trying to be nice to me and don't really think it) have told me that I am a good writer, but I just can't say that I agree. I mean, one thing I take pride in is trying to pay attention to grammatical rules--you know, verb tenses agreeing and periods where they are supposed to be--stuff like that. But I just can't express the things that I think in the way that I would like to. I have friends who are so much better at expressing their thoughts in clever, amusing, and interesting ways (Chris and Katy) and I really wish that I could be more like them. I would love to write a book or something, but I just don't feel like I have the ability or the creativity to do it. Ah well, hopefully I can be good at other things.