This is why we are never having children

When we first got married we lived in an apartment complex called Monaco Court. We loved it because it was cute, cozy, had tons of storage space, and wasn't that expensive. The only downside was that we weren't allowed to have any animals in the apartment. So, I learned to compensate...I bought two ivy potted plants to hang on either side of our couch.

I loved these little plants and treated them like my babies (sad, I know). I watered them every other day, I fed them once every few weeks, and talked to them as I did it. They were such a cheery little addition to a white walled apartment, and they made me happy. But after all my care and loving...they died. I was pretty distraught.

Well, after about a year of living in that house we decided to move so that we could get a dog. Yes, we moved specifically so that we could get a dog (sad, I know). We found little Hero dog on KSL, went to meet the breeders and to check out their credentials, and then picked up our cute little puppy.

Little did we know that she would turn into a monster. Now, I know that dogs can be expensive (cost of purchase, cost of shots, vet appointments, etc.) but I only expected to pay the normal costs of a dog.

Soon after we got the monster we went down to Las Vegas to see our families. Hero really liked to chase around my neighbor's tiny Chihuahua named Shadow. One morning when we let Hero outside, she saw Shadow and started chasing him around. He decided to run away from her and go under my neighbor's boat, which was propped up on some wooden blocks.

As luck would have it, Hero is an idiot. She ran headfirst into the blocks of wood, and lacerated her cornea. Yep, she cut her eyeball. We had to make an emergency appointment with the vet who had to put a bunch of crap in her eye and prescribe a million medications. Altogether the appointment was around $250.

Not fun.

Well, like any good dog owners would do, we applied all of the necessary eye drops, eye lubricant, and pain medications. But, as we watched her eye over the next week we could see that it wasn't getting better, and actually seemed to be getting worse. There was a cloudy streak running through her eye where the laceration was. So we took her to our vet here in Provo, who said that she couldn't do anything (but it still cost a nice $60 for the appointment) and that we needed to see an dog opthamologist in Salt Lake City.

A dog opthamologist! The appointment, alone, cost $300. Not to mention the costs of the tests they had to do, the medication they prescribed to us, and the follow up appointment we had to make. I was about to just ask them to remove her eyeball and be done with it. But luckily everything worked out and her eye healed up nicely.

Since then we have had several other things happen that have made me seriously question why I ever wanted a dog in the first place. We had our nightmare when we thought that Hero had gotten fleas and brought them into the house. Then Hero got a hot spot on her head and we had to take her to a vet to treat it. Oh yeah, and then there was the time that Hero jumped out of our car at the cemetery and ran underneath Jeff's grandmother's casket as the pallbearers were carrying it to the grave.

Well, just a few days ago, we had the latest development in the Hero trail of disaster, and let me tell you--it was an embarrassing one.

I am sitting at my desk at work, and I get a call from Jeff telling me that he thinks Hero is going to be sick. She had gotten into a trash bag that we left by the back door, and had eaten the whole top piece of a chocolate cupcake. (If you don't know, chocolate is toxic to dogs, and too much of it can be fatal.) Besides that, she had eaten cream cheese icing that had been left out in the sun for a couple of days.

Great. So we called the vet and he said to just keep an eye on her. If she starts vomiting or having seizures, then she needs to be brought in right away. Well, Jeff has class in the afternoon that he cannot miss, so I get to be the lucky one to take off work and go home and watch her.

But, to do that, I have to call my boss and tell him that: "My stupid dog ate a chocolate cupcake and I need to go home and watch her in case she needs to go to the vet." I felt like an idiot. I have to miss work, because my dog ate a cupcake.

Luckily, she seems to be fine and doesn't seem to be poisoned or anything. Frankly, I expected to have to take her to the vet and get her stomach pumped or something. I guess I should be grateful.

And that is why, my friends, we are never, ever having any children. With our luck, who knows what would happen...